i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
