i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
These tits shall not be calmed
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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