the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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