I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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