Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
