Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
