sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
