I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
