My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
