are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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