Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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