Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Randomize
