Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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