You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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