youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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