remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
