She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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