It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
