R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
