Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
