drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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