I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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