You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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