I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
