obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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