she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize