mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
