We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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