weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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