God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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