If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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