You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
