I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
