I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
