It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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