If that was your dad, he is hot
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
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