i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
