I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
