The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
