the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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