i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
