I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
