NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
