So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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