i need an iv and a liver transplant
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
