why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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