Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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