I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
