Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
