just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You have to summon your inner elephant
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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