I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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