you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He is an equal opportunity slut.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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