you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
