cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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