Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize