I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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