did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
