I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
