I'm eating all of the evidence.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
